You may not have noticed - what with the foundations of American democracy crumbling at your feet, and all - but it's been an interesting few weeks in the life of Johnny Depp.
(Hey, someone still has to deliver the celebrity gossip! You want all Trump, all the time, you can go to ... just about every other website on the Internet that doesn't have "porn" in the title.)
Sources claim Johnny is broke thanks to decades of living a lifestyle so extravagant that he stopped just short of filling a swimming pool with gold coins, a la Scrooge McDuck.
Just to give you an idea of what we're talking about - the man spent $30,000 a month on wine.
That's not a joke.
Anyway, despite the bad press surrounding his finances, and the continued negative attention paid to his messy divorce from Amber Heard, Depp is still one of the biggest movie stars on the planet.
(We're speaking in terms of recognizability here, not bankability.)
So short of actually morphing into Steve Bannon, there's very little that Depp could do that would make him unattractive to all women.
However, his days of attracting young female celebrities may have come to end.
Star magazine is claiming today that Depp is doing his damnedest to bang Star Wars star Daisy Ridley, but Rey is just not having it.
The two actors are currently shooting a remake of Murder on the Orient Express, and Depp has apparently made no secret of his desire to get all up in Ridley's Jedi robes.
Unfortunately, a combination of factors (including Heard's domestic abuse claims and the fact that Depp seems to be rapidly decomposing) are turning Ridley off.
“Daisy’s in a tough spot," an insider tells the tabloid.
"She clearly thinks the world of Johnny as an actor, but simply isn’t interested in pursuing a romance with him.”
Depp's been a heartthrob for most of his career, so he's not accustomed to getting the cold shoulder, and not surprisingly, he's not taking it well:
“He isn’t accustomed to being turned down, especially by a younger actress,” the source says.
“Johnny’s convinced that if he cleans up his act, Daisy might change her mind.”
He may be right about that, but ... he'd have to clean up his act.
Better to just stay the course and sleep with desperate up-and-comers.
Living into your 60s is overrated, anyway.
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Hello, my name is Jack Sparrow. I'm a 50 year old self-employed Pirate from the Caribbean.
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